Goodbye for Now (updated May 2009)
A few days ago, on May 30th, 2008, I had to have my precious Little Guy, also known as Mr. Cat in his older years, humanely euthanized.
A Poem for all animals and the people who love them;
Your loving eyes are closing
I wish it for the last
because if that is not to be
tomorrow’s coming fast
I know I’ll have to hold you
as I have done before
for my precious little furries
behind the vet’s closed door
I’ll have to watch, as you let go
and drift away from me
to go in peace to the bridge
where I cannot yet be
the comfort that I reach for
that I hold so dear
is knowing Jesus, Who made you
has moved in very near
He whispers softly in my ear
don’t you understand?
he is not yours, he never was
I formed him with My hands
I brought him forth, created him
then sent him out to see
if there was someone who would love him
before he came home to Me
and I’ll recall the love you showed him
when you stand before My throne
then I’ll give him back to you
in your forever home
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the time I had here with Mr. Cat, also known as Little Guy Junior, and for all my dogs and kitties i have loved so much. I was very blessed with my Little Guy Jr.as I was able to be there with him. I found Little Guy dead on the street and never knew what happened to Red or Black, but I know by now they are with you. You told me that in eternity there is no time–no difference between Sammi, who I had for less than three days, and Mr. Cat, who I had for many years. It’s only about love and doing the best you can for them. As long as you loved them here on earth, in this life, you will see, hear, pet and love them in the next world. You are stocking your new heavens and new earth with the things of this earth that pass on, as we all will.
You sent me little Corky because you knew Mr. Cat would come home to you, and my heart would break. I loved, and still love, him so much. He is the embodiment of all the love I carry for all the furfriends I loved and lost. Dusty is roaming around the house, looking for him. They were best buds for so long. She loves and misses him, and I don’t know how to tell her in meows that he has left for the bridge. I just give her lots of pets and kisses, and hope that she and Corky will be close friends.
Losing Mr. Cat ripped open all the poorly scabbed over areas of my heart. This time I am receiving the love and help you are giving and it is so comforting, so unlike the rushing, painful, out of controlness of my past experiences with the earthly deaths of my beloved animal companions. You are using this to heal those old wounds and to bring your light and love into those dark and painful holes in my soul. They returned to you. I always wanted that to be true but I wondered if you really cared much about them, but you are the one who created all things and without you nothing was created. Now I know for sure.
Grieving is so hard, Dear Lord. Right now, I want time to stand still. I want to keep feeling this grief because it keeps Mr. Cat alive for me. I feel like time is pushing me–its already been several days since Mr. Cat took his last breath on earth. The doctor and all his staff were so kind and considerate. Thank you, Lord, for our veterinarians–we need them to do your work, too.
I just started crying, thinking about how Mr. Cat went gently into that good night. Now, it is morning for him. He is with you. The sense I have is that Mr. Cat is still with me, at the same time that he has been gone for years. The years we spent together seem like a dream now, the substance, his physical presence, is gone and with just these few days, it’s like he never existed except in my heart and mind. I want to touch him again, and someday I will I know.
These is also, as painful as the heartbreak is, a sense of relief. i knew this was coming and I kept putting it off and hoping he would go gently on his own–dying peacefully in his own bed, but I know that is not always a realistic expectation. Dying from disease is a time consuming, painful, health robbing thing. He was suffering, not able to do the things he wanted and loved to do. Now that his suffering, and my futile attemps to stave off death, are over, I no longer have the sense of pressure beating down on me. He is free now to drink from Your healing fountain at the Rainbow bridge.
I tried really hard, Lord, to do the best I could. Please tell my furfriends how much I love them and that I am sorry for anything I did wrong. I know that in heaven there is no pain, fear, anger, regret, remembrance of wrongs done or suffering–just endless love and good health and deep joy. I pray, Lord Jesus, for some of that on earth, in this life, and look forward to a future of total love, joy and no more grief, with You in Your heaven.
May 30th, 2009
Today is Mr. Cat’s first anniversary at the Rainbow Bridge (for the Rainbow Bridge poem–www.rainbowbridge.com) This past year I think I od’d on the grief process. I went from being happy that he was safe and happy, to angry that he wasn’t here with me, to resentful that I was forced to make the decision (I had prayed fervently that God would take him without the trauma of that last car ride and vet visit), to guilty that maybe I didn’t give him enough medical care, to guilty that I loved Corky who came into our lives just a month before Mr. Cat went to the Bridge, to angry that I didn’t have the financial reserves to provide as much care as he needed, to looking forward to being with him in heaven, to relieved that he wasn’t suffering anymore, from rational, back to emotional, over and over again. This morning I went to Mass and went to light a candle for him and all the animals at the Bridge. I asked our Lord Jesus what he wanted from me, what would please him as I prepare to celebrate Mr. Cat’s first anniversary. He clearly told me “loving gratitude” to Me. My gratitude candle will burn for about a week now at the church and I pray that I will remember it every day. I realize why I got stuck in that spin cycle of grieving: somewhere along the line I stopped just being grateful for having Mr. Cat in my life and started going in circles about what I did and didn’t do, why couldn’t he stay with me just a little while longer. Corky started doing all the things Mr. Cat loved to do in his younger years, jump up on high windowsills, run and jump after bugs outside, chirp at birds from the window, and, while I love Corky, I couldn’t help but remember Mr. Cat, and of course that brought up memories of when and how he stopped doing those things. It happens so slowly that you don’t really notice until one day you realize he can’t make the leap from the bed to the windowsill anymore. I got pet steps for him and he used them, and I felt for him, for all the things he couldn’t do anymore. And, as with all emotional spin cycles, there was unacknowledged personal pain. When I got Mr. Cat I was 29, I was 46 when he left for the Bridge. Without my even realizing it, Mr. Cat’s aging and death unconsciously brought me to look at myself. What was I able to do when he was jumping on high windowsills? >>> I lit a three wick candle here at home for my Celebration of Mr. Cat’s first anniversary at the Bridge, and a few minutes ago Mr. Cat’s wick(representing all my past pets and animals unloved and abused) went out. Now, mine did too. It’s one of those essential oils candles that liquifies and has been burning for a while, so this is not altogether unheard of, however only one still burning is the one I lit for our Lord Jesus. I lit the candle for a circle of life, Jesus, Mr. Cat and myelf. Now, just one wick is burning. I am taking it as confirmation to me that my grief was not just for Mr. Cat, but for myself, too. I am aging, and what I could do years ago, I can’t anymore. I am undoubtedly closer to the end of my earthly life than I am to the beginning of it. Mr. Cat brought this home to me because he got older at the same time I did. This life is short, but our Lord Jesus is THE LIGHT that keeps burning. Everyone else’s wicks go out at some point. Many times in the past year I have spoken to people who say how much they are going to rejoice and celebrate when they get to the afterlife. They’re going to reunite with everyone, hold their beloved departed pets, be free of all pain and suffering and live in peace. I got into the idea that I couldn’t wait to see my furries again and imagining the reunion. I realized that I was having a problem. None of that is possible without Jesus, and yet He was taking a backseat to everyone else I want to be reunited with. Without Jesus, there is no freedom from suffering, joyful reunions or healing fountains. He is the gate to all of that. He isn’t just the Giver of gifts, He is THE Gift from God. That is why I lit my gratitude candle in church to Jesus Christ, thanking Him for the animals he’s given me, for giving me a love in my heart for furries, and for taking them back to His home when their lives here were over. I didn’t light the candle in loving gratitude to them, even though I love them, because they did not give themselves to me, and cannot bring me back to them. They cannot lead me to the meadow, cannot give me permission to cross the Bridge, or free me from suffering or raise me from death into life. I got stuck where a lot of people get stuck, thinking about what I have lost and forgetting about the One who gave it to me in the first place and can bring it to me again someday. The first connection I want to make on my eternal journey is our Lord Jesus. Soul to Savior is union number one. Reunions to follow. I want the Eternal Gift before any other. On my three wick candle, His wick is still burning. I’m going to use it to relight the other two since it is getting close to the time when Mr. Cat left me one year ago today, and I want to use this time to thank Him for seventeen years of furry love.